Sunday, 14 September 2008

A better week next week?

I can't remember all the things I wanted to write and it's rather late on Sunday night to even be wasting even more time on the laptop when I should be getting ready for work tomorrow and heading to bed.

I've had a lot of knocks to my confidence this week for one reason or another and I've also been thinking through what it is that I'm doing with my life. Add to that some stark truths, such as the fact that my son is getting quite upset about coming over to see me, and this along with many other things means that I can no longer view everything as easy and clear-cut anymore.

Last week was difficult, I have been tired from getting up so early to cycle into work and maintaining a routine where I am presenting as female 24/7. I'm trying to complete 3months of RLE (Real Life Experience) so that I can satisfy the requirements to get hormone treatment, but doing this isn't as easy as it sounds, even given the understanding and supportive work environment I have.

In fact I realised something (well lots of things) this past week and that's about acceptance. I can delude myself that I'm looking and acting female and maybe, if I'm lucky, I might one day even look (and sound) mildly passable and I'm sure friends the people at work will be very understanding and supportive ... but at the moment I don't feel that they will ever accept me as female.

In some ways this is kind of understandable, having known me as male for so long. I guess I can live with that but people still can say and do things that, while not intended like this, are incredibly hurtful to me and it just goes to highlight my own definciencies and failings. Not really being very articulate about this and suspect that going to bed now would be better than wasting more time dwelling on bad things.

Anyway, had a good chat to K today when we met up and, on a more positive note we're planning the following things to help us both get over our own personal 'glitches' in life:

  • Cycling - I'm going to do more and K is going to start with some (hopefully patient) help from me - think I need to remember what it was like when I first went out on a bike (I was shattered)
  • Roller Skating - None of those fancy inline skates, you can still buy the 70s/80s (90s?) version with 4 wheels, that rubber stopper at the front and best off all they come in bright white! Hmmm, just thought, I need to buy an appropriately bright and pleated skirt in which to skate!
  • Ice Skating in Piccadilly Gardens - we think that this may be both fun, visually stunning (the lights in the city, not the skating itself), and a good place to pick up men/women LOL

BTW, you'll notice the profile pic has changed; I'm trying to update things to be a little more realistic and the old pictures weren't really me, they were me with artificial hair, now you get to see the true mess that I am. To add further evidence to the case for me having a LONG way to go I provide another picture here:

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