Friday, 25 July 2008

Withdrawl symptoms

Well, everything is somewhat of an anti-climax today after the fabulous night out. I obviously took off all the make-up last night which I always find a bit sad, though I'm getting a little happier now that at least my hair always looks the same and is marginally female in style (in my optimistically biased opinion). And then today it was back into work in kind of bob-mode.

Well actually it's only just bob-mode; I've got no make-up or any erm, chest enhancement, but I still have the varnish on my nails, wearing my little silver watch, female jeans and boots with 3" heels - bob-shirt but that's only because a blouse would look a bit odd.

I guess there is a trade-off; if I take the route of transition I will be 100% fulltime as Fiona so won't suffer any kind of 'down', but equally the 'highs' may not be as high given that I'd be starting for a different level. That said, I think there is always going to be new things to try, new outfits, make-up, shoes, looks, hair, and other experiences which will make up for this.

I sat on my bed last night having a little midnight snack and really did feel happy, calm, and content, and almost sure that this is what I want to be; I want to be me and me is Fiona ... well, me is me, but a female me. Now I just have to deal with making that a reality - this is not going to be easy.

Another thing to mention was a thought I had while driving back last night, I can't remember the song I was listening to but it was quite moving and I was obviously going over the events of the previous hours. I felt I had made a big step and was pleased with how everything went; I had another achievement to add to my list.

It struck me that B hasn't got that. She isn't coming away from this seperation with aims and achievements, she is feeling loss and anger and confusion. I guess I left because I was starting to become a new me, she stayed because she wanted to remain the same.

I can't help how this has turned out but it certainly is unfair that B and our son have had to suffer, I never intended that. I only hope that B will find new aims and have her on achievements which she can be rightly proud of.

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

Girl, I so completely know how you're feeling. I posted a similar blog entry about 6 months ago. Trust me, even after you're full-time, the "excitement" will no diminish, only change. I wake up every morning and think, "Wow! I get to be myself! How cool is that!?". And every time I slip on my heels to walk to the bathroom, or stop to talk to a coworker, I swell with pride and accomplishment. Heck, even discovering that my new hot pink shoes match a new blouse I picked up made my day! The adventure is only beginning for you! So much to learn, so many new experiences. Make sure to relish and enjoy each and every one of them. xxx