Sunday, 6 July 2008

Who is winning the battle?

Or more precisely, which side is winning? Normality or well, another version of normality?

It has been a very strange week with quite alot to think about concerning everything I've been going through becoming more widely known by more people at work and essentially it becoming more real in a way. It was almost better when it was just a private secret now it's out there and actually having to talk about it and *really* think about it is scaring me and making me having second thoughts.

Somewhat further confused by seeing my son this weekend and obviously doing more 'normal' things as well as his visit being starting with B being upset that my nails were still long (she and her sister-in-law had noticed on Tuesday at my sons sports day) and proclaiming this to be 'unfair' and likely to lead to problems with what the other kids and parents might say.

This kind of gave me a little jolt back to feeling how I did while going through the initial bit of the separation; that what I did was something that wasn't important enough to split up over, that I could stop anytime I wanted, that it really was just some sort of kink and not such a big deal. This feeling didn't leave much over the weekend as I found it hard to think that I could really change myself that radically and that I could be making a huge mistake.

This is made even worse by me constantly analysing situations to try and reconcile them with potentially dealing with the same thing but with a female gender. I put alot of things in different boxes for example, riding around on my bike with my son on his encouraging him to cycle more feels like a "guy" thing, as does taking him swimming (from a practical point of view it occurred to me that going down a transition route would likely mean no swimming with him for several years while 'changing') or even playing Star Wars computer games.

On the TG side of the arguments in my own head I still feel I can't cut my nails (my fingers would look short and stubby), I can't let my body hair grow, it would just be yucky, I want to keep growing the hair on my head, I want to keep having IPL. I feel a small kind of butterfly-y feeling when I think of the idea of starting on treatment and becoming more female, though it's clouded by confusion and a feeling that this isn't real.

Add to this I'm trying to figure out my sexuality as well; at the moment I just don't seem to find anyone attractive really, I can't see myself with anyone as such. I've fantasised about men but I don't know if this is just one of those self-reinforcing ideas about being with a man making you more a woman that alot of TV/TS are said to have. It also worries me that the whole dressing-up thing could just have some sort of sexual edge to it and that either this is just so obvious to any specialist OR will become obvious once on hormones and similar, i.e. taking away the desire to dress.

I feel lost without the idea of continuing along this path though, I feel empty and confused and without purpose. It feels at this moment that I will never be en femme again and even if I do it won't mean anything that it's just not going to help. Then again, I don't know what will, I don't like how I look at all (not entirely sure I could do enough to make a big difference anyway), maybe I really am unhappy with my gender, and maybe feeling this confused and upset about everything really is what TGism can do to you - is this what depression is like, losing your grip a little on reality and feeling that you're not really able to talk about it to anyone?

I'll probably feel different after watching a DVD while soaking in the bath, something to take my mind of my problems and try and refocus on something else ... maybe after a nights sleep things will be better?

No comments: