Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Didn't nail it!

Yesterday I took the brave/stupid/next step of going into work with the french nail polish still on. I did this for a few reasons, one was that it cost alot to get the manicure in the first place and I didn't want it to be too much of a waste, second I guess I wanted to push things and get a reaction and third I just liked my nails looking like that.

I was expecting some comment from someone but there was nothing, not a peep from anyone at all! In fact I didn't spot anyone even staring at me or the nails. They could definitely been seen, I was even waving my hands around when talking to one of the RGs there and she would have to be blind to notice.

I have to admit to being mildly disappointed, I actually did want some sort of reaction so that I could respond in a calm way and be able to suggest a little of what has been going on. Someone at Sparkle said that she was fairly up-front about herself and suggested that this was a better way forward than trying to be secretive and keep people in the dark, it only makes them talk more.

And apparently that's what people were doing in the office on Friday, talking about me again (must have been a really slow day). I'm not sure what was said but I think it was the usual stuff about "when is he going to become a woman" which I guess is fair questioning but then again it does seem to involve a much more suggestive tone than some other mental issues - from what I understand GID (Gender Identity Disorder) itself isn't an illness as such but can result in symptoms such as severe depression.

Personally I don't think I am suffering that much, I have been down, possibly to the point of what may be classes as depression but I've certainly nowhere near as bad as some people I have heard of or even talked to. Nevertheless, this has had an impact on me and it would be nice if people could see that instead of discussing how ugly I might be as a woman and which of them I might try to sleep with and how repulsive that would be (I'm only guessing at the conversation but I bet I'm close).

Anyway, the HR director is over tomorrow so I get to chat with him - I'm a bit nervous about this and am doing my usual mental trick of thinking that there isn't actually any big deal here and then worrying that there being no big deal makes me a bit of a fraud.

One final note, apparently the gossips at work believe that my friend S and one of the guys she goes running with at lunchtime (a few people have been doing this since this new office has showers and is in a good location for jogging routes) are actually sneaking off for a quick shag. I honestly couldn't believe that people would really think this, joke about it in front of the people concerned, yes, I'd do that as aswell simply because it's so outrageous and patently not true that it would be funny. But no, apparently some people really believe this, or do when talking in a group.

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