Saturday, 31 May 2008

So many things today

I crammed alot into today and it's only at the end of it that I realise how stressed I was about everything and that and plans of being cool, collected, and organised generally go out of the window when faced with reality.

The main event for today was going to Transform for a free consultation regarding facial hair removal. Why would I do this to myself you might ask, well I'm making a bit of a mess of my face trying to shave all the hairs away and still it has that horrible darker shaded look (which in my eyes looks almost like Homer Simpson) which means it's really hard to hide with make-up.

Anyway, I got there and was asked all the standard details and medical questions then got a patch test to check what my skins reaction to the treatment would be. The machine that's meant to magically get rid of all the facial hair (as long as it doesn't get "confused"*) uses a LightSheer(TM) Laser, basically it's meant to burn the hairs out and cauterize the root so it doesn't grow back. Put even more simply it's a reasonably high powered diode laser with a frequency of light that the pigment in hair absorbs but that the skin won't - if you have light skin (I do, in fact milk-bottles are ethnically coloured compared to me) and dark hair it's meant to work really well.

[ * - The girl** explaining all this kept referring to the machine as if it was actually selecting the hairs to zap. It might be for all I know but I suspect what it more likely is it just turns the laser on for a set time and whatever is in the way gets fried!]
[ ** - I really should find out how you refer to someone who does this sort of thing; beautician? Operator? Girl simply as she looked vastly younger than me and had amazing skin, eyes, teeth, etc - okay, last bit isn't surprising given where she works ]

The pain. Well it wasn't that bad actually, the girl had it on a very high setting and I hardly felt a thing on my neck where she was doing the test, just very faint pin-like sensation. She then moved onto the side of my jaw where there were some hairs to zap and that was a little more prickly in fact one of the hairs 'exploded'. She'd explained that this could happen when it really hit a good target and it burns the hair so fast that it pops out. Apparently this happened at the very high setting which is good - more zapping and hopefully not too much pain though I'm told that the upper lip hurts more so I suspect I'm in for some discomfort.

The cost for full face, which takes only 15mins, is £105 - just chin and upper lip is £95 so for the extra £10 I think it's worth getting the lot done. It can take up to 7 treatments to make it fully effective and each is 4-6weeks apart. I was told that some people can have noticeable results in fewer treatments and also more may be required after a complete course maybe every 6 month if there is any significant re-growth.

I've booked my first session of treatment in a couple of weeks time and I'm hopeful that it'll have the desired affects with maybe less the the full 7 sessions, and that it won't hurt *that* much. If by some miracle it actually zaps enough of the hairs to make some difference before Sparkle I'd be over the moon!

The other thing I did today was go over and see a (male) friend of mine who I've known since school and who (for reasons of timing and also problems in his life) hadn't been burdened with the full explanation of why my wife and I were splitting up i.e. I'd not told him about this blog or anything like that.

As if the day wasn't stressful enough I'd had this idea of wearing some ankle boots, jeans and a shirt as a kind of semi-femme outfit, i.e. the boots and jeans would be from the Fiona wardrobe but maybe not the shirt (very Shania Twain: "Man's shirt, short skirt ..." etc). Anyway I couldn't really find a shirt that really gave me the right look that I was after (I think my figure, face, and everything else let me down) but I pressed ahead with the boots and jeans anyway.

I'd also thought it would be a kind of cool way to introduce the whole TG thing as well; "I best just explain these boots first of all" was what I imagined myself saying. It didn't come out like that at all and I mumbled something that he didn't hear and then just ploughed on in a torrent of explanation that did eventually make some sense but only because I was repeating myself as well as just basically saying everything in my head.

I've probably totally stunned the poor guy and freaked him out completely when we went out for a quick lunch (nice cafe nearby) though I have to say he hid it well and we just ended up talking about the usual range of subjects that we've discussed before.

As the day progressed (I did wrote about the above in the wrong order, saw my friend first and then to Transform) I kind of got use to wearing the boots and not thinking about what people thought; did a bit of shopping, wandered around Asda, the around town a bit, even past a pub with lots of loud and clearly at least slightly drunk guys outside. No real problems or reactions that I heard or saw.

So at the end of the day how do I feel? Well I bit nothingy really, kind of numb and unable to really take it all in, everything just kind of happened without me really being in control. Kind of like an anti-climax as well, I think I was expecting to feel some sense of achievement or euphoria or an extra femme-rush from wandering around in boots all day.

Part of this lack of feeling I think is tiredness and dehydration; it was quite warm out there today and hardly had anything to drink (going to bed shortly with a big drink). I think another part of it may be just the fact that I have wandered around in boots before and have had all the same sort of feelings so it's almost like I'm just doing what I want to do so there is no need for euphoria. One thought I am holding onto is the fact that I wanted to wearing boots/jeans/etc, I actually felt that I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't. It's only a subtle thing but I feel that it's something important and will hopefully drive me to do more tomorrow.

Time for a nice big, cold, drink and off to bed!

Thursday, 29 May 2008

People actually read this blog!

What's more these are people that I actually know in real life, have met face to face, and whose opinions mean and awful lot to me. This isn't too surprising in itself as I've had e-mails from real-life friends about this blog before but today's message was slightly different as it was from my friends L's parents!

It never occurred to me that this blog and the things that I write and pictures that I post here and on Flickr would really be read by anyone other than random strangers or friends that I had directly told about me. I guess I also realised that friends of friends may also get to see this - this happened recently and was apparently quite amusing for all concerned but I'm not really bothered by that (well not too much anyway).

I was really good friends with L when I was at school and through the college years but as with alot of people, I lost touch with her and only really got back in contact at the end of last year. I have fond memories of L's mother and step-Dad and being beaten by all of them at Trivial Pursuit - and just being generally out-classed by at anything involving general knowledge or almost any subject apart from those thing computer-related.

I'd explained about me and sent links for the blog to L quite a few weeks ago but hadn't had time to e-mail again and I know she is busy with her life so had not heard anything back after the initial few msgs we exchanged. So the e-mail from her Mum was completely out of the blue and was such a pleasant surprise! It's really cheered me up no end :D

Anyway, in order to stay as objective and honest as possible, I'm going to have to be extra careful to completely block out thoughts of who reads this blog in future now that I know it's reaching an even wider audience!

[ P.S. Since I know you three are reading this; L, L & G I think you're all fantastic ]

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Indiana Jones and something or other

I decided to go and see this film for two reasons, one was simply that I thought it would be good and the other was that it gave me an excuse and purpose to go out as Fiona and would mean that was twice in one (long) weekend that I could claim to have had the courage and ability to get out and about.

So, first a mini-review of the film followed by more about the clothes I was wearing and the obligatory picture of me :D

Well, I can see why alot of the critics have slammed the film, there are some aspects of it that are pretty disappointing. On the other hand they were never going to be able to fully re-capture the magic of the original films and at least they didn't try and try and set everything at the same point in time, they did move things on a bit and there didn't seem to be any attempt to hide the obvious ageing of the characters, e.g. Indiana had grey hair.

The plot twists were obvious in many ways though I was surprised to see Indiana's love-interest in the film as I wasn't expecting her - however there are plenty of downloadable pictures on the official website featuring this character so I guess I just hadn't done my research.

The action scenes were pretty good but as has been commented before, the thing with the monkeys was stretching credibility just that little bit too far. The fighting was also I little unrealistic as well given the relative ages of Dr Jones and the Russian Soldier who he beat unconscious.

The pace seemed fine and I certainly wasn't looking at my watch or getting bored at any point. Also some of the 'scary' parts of the film did manage to carry some level of suspense and the creepy crawlies where pretty, well, creepy!

Now the plot was obviously similar in form to the other films, i.e. not too complicated and with an obvious conclusion and "they all lived happily ever-after ... apart from the bad guys" ending. I'm in two minds about the subject of the plot though, the explanation for the crystal skulls and what happened when they were returned. On one hand it feels like too much of a departure from the originals but on the other I guess the subject matter does need updating a bit and I can see how it all fit with the era in which the film was set.

So overall I'd say it's an enjoyable enough film, not as good as the originals but still good fun. If you've got a decent TV at home then probably okay to wait until it's available on DVD.

Onto more important subjects; clothes! Well, I'm still not getting round to taking decent pics of the outfits that I'm wearing, I'm just being lazy and using my phone's camera instead so I'll have to describe what I had on: skinny (ish-more like 'tight') jeans, black boots, white top.

I've been invited out to see Sex and the City this Friday and I'm hoping this will be another Fiona outing, if it is I will really try and get full pics of whatever I wear (debating about a skirt for this one).

Saturday, 24 May 2008

One baby step at a time

I must say lots of thanks and hugs and stuff to my friend K who I met up with for lunch today - you're fab! She's probably not reading this but I felt like saying it anyway.

We met up in Burnley of all places and I'd umm'ed and ahhh'ed about going as me all week and had wondered if it was such a good idea and whether it would be a problem for K or if I'd just be so freaked out by the whole experience that it would set me back, etc, etc. In the end I did go dressed up in jeans, a top (as can be seen in the pic above, it's from Dorothy Perkins if anyone is interested), and ankle boots (I had to wear boots of some description, they give me a little bit of confidence and a significant bit more height though that isn't always good).

First the bad bits:

  • My skin is terrible at the moment, party due to the punishment it gets when I cycle to/from work and partly because of hayfever and me rubbing my eyes.
  • My hair was all over the place because it was windy and kept revealing my real hair underneath that is a bit lighter
  • The foundation seems a little dark so it's noticeable to some degree and made worse because my upper lip and chin are a mess with too much shaving to try and almost dig the hairs out.
  • My ears hurt by the time I got back as I was wearing clip-on earrings.
  • I passed some kids and heard one say "it's a man" but I ignored that and carried on.

The lack of long hair, mess of my skin (including because of the shaving) are all things I'm going to sort out, my hair will grow (it's going to take 6months to a year before it's anywhere near long enough for me to be happy), and I'm planning IPL to sort out my facial hair. Also as I get more confident (and have these obvious annoying things sorted out) I'll be able to get the correct shades for make-up and hopefully not have to use as much so I get a more natural affect. Also I'm thinking of getting my ears pierced at some point so that will solve the earring problem - and mean I can actually choose from the almost infinite selection of styles available that can't be matched by the pitiful number of clip-on types.

As you can tell I'm feeling generally positive (though have dropped a little in enthusiasm now that I'm back home and looking critically at the photos of me) and that's because it went rather well in the end.

Me and K had a really good chat and catch up, nice lunch (though I didn't have as much to drink as I should - I was trying to avoid the need to go to the toilet as I'll tackle that little step another time), and there were no adverse reactions that I noticed (apart from the one I mentioned above and the odd stare).

I even filled up the car with diesel from Asda and then popped into Tesco to get some bits and pieces for tea. Basically lots of normal things that I did as "me" which I felt good about achieving. I even bought some moisturiser from Boots as well as a hair-dryer (only a cheap travel one) as I feel that I'm going to need that sooner or later. The girl who served me was very nice and pleasant and that always makes me feel a bit better.

So, overall, a good day and hopefully the first of many more - I really enjoyed being me today and it's certainly given me lots of (nice) things to think about.

Now, time for tea followed by the Eurovision!

P.S. Another point I discussed with another friend D was about my hair colour - I actually quite like the darker hair and she thought it did suit me better. So I'm now thinking about getting my hair dyed once it's reached a good length and wondering what colour to go for - there will be some red in there at some point I think :D

Thursday, 22 May 2008

I can't help it

I just had a reminder of another reason why, when asked directly by my wife several months ago if I still loved her I just couldn't bring myself to effectively lie and say "yes", I had to tell the truth that I really didn't feel the same anymore.

I'm trying to figure out how to explain this without making it sound to harsh or unfair on my wife so I'll just describe what happened this evening as an example of what I'm trying to get across.

My wife came to pick my son up from the brief 2hr stay he had with me after I picked him up from school and I'd forgotten to read his school book with him which, it was pointed out to me was the whole point of him coming back to mine after school. My wife had told me about reading his book but I simply forgot, too busy watching Star Wars, making tea, eating tea, photocopying bits of paper, and then playing Star Wars to remember.

So I got told that I'd made a mistake there and I found myself apologising and saying that I forgot and that I was sorry and doing the whole "calm down" type way of talking and holding my hands up to signify the same thing. I do make mistakes, I do forget things; I get side-tracked or tired or just have other things on my mind and these probably do sound like pathetic excuses but I'm not doing anything out of malice but I'm treated as if I am, as if my behaviour is just wrong.

That was the first thing that made me think about the problems there had been in our relationship. I always thought it was rather unfair as well that I generally never got that upset if my wife made a mistake (I would generally dismiss things and say it wasn't a big deal), or when I did say something I was accused of having a go at her!

The second thing was that, on leaving I offered to help carry a bag down to the car and my wife, still clearly still annoyed about the whole book reading thing mumbled something about "no, I can manage it myself" followed by "I wouldn't want you to break a nail" said with definite venom.

And that was the clincher - it wasn't what she said it was the underlying tone of everything: I am wrong, what I do is wrong, what I am is wrong, what I have decided is wrong, it is all my fault and my fault alone. I am to blame for being how I am and for not revealing this to her sooner. There are no ifs or buts, I am simply to blame, I am a selfish person and I have done this deliberately and with malice. And if I really cared and wasn't selfish I wouldn't do it.

It isn't that simple. I really can't help wanting to be me, even though I'm not entirely sure what "me" is yet. I didn't plan to any of this and there is nothing I can do about feeling this way, it's part of who I am and part of what makes me like this. I've had thoughts and feelings like this long before I fully knew what they were or even that they could be "wrong" in some way. I've even had them while I thought they were wrong bug it still didn't stop me from thinking them. I really can't help it!

I know that the same rules apply to my wife, she is who she is and she wants certain things from a partner and there we don't match and I have to accept that and I don't her responsible for not being able to deal with this, but I do think she must acknowledge that she can't assign me the entire blame for everything that has happened, no-one can ultimately help who they are and they should not be persecuted for it.

Update: The other phrase that just got thrown at me, which I've had alot is "Don't forget, it's you that's done this, not me" - this when I was trying to offer to help out and give advice and this was all rejected.

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

Bird Song

Well actually it's "bird music" that I listen to according to one of my colleagues! Must have been "Monday madness" (similar phenomenon to "silly season" aka Summer) or maybe I just had the volume too loud so that what I was listening to was a little too recognisable as music rather than just noise.

So I was rather the centre of attention for a while as my musical taste (or lack of it) was scrutinised which was a bit uncomfortable and felt a little unfair at the time ... for some bizarre reason I had the overwhelming desire to get my 3" heeled boots on - there is something reassuring about footwear that not only gives added height but also the threat of excruciating pain to others if applied appropriately.

Where was I (enough of this bizarre day-dreams about boots!) ... oh yes, music ... well it's hardly surprising that the selection that I listen to may cause questions, it is almost exclusively made up of female artists usually under the category of "singer-songwriter" but I'm a bit of a sucker for "pop" though I try and recover some credibility with a bit of classical music - probably not enough to make a difference!

I do wonder though what really is "male" and "female" music? I think, as with alot of things, there is a much wider variety that someone of the female persuasion can listen to without question but when it comes to men they really have to restrict themselves to what is considered manly.

It's a bit sad that our culture seems to preclude the enjoyment of vast amounts of uplifting, intelligent, thought-provoking, well-written and just plain fantastic music to half the population. Oh well, guess I'll just have to turn the volume down if I don't want to attract attention or better yet up, so people can hear what they are missing.

Saturday, 17 May 2008

Trafford Centre

Well, I finally made it! It took an awful lot of psyching myself up and my heart was absolutely pounding when I got there but I managed to actually wander round the Trafford Centre!

First the bad bits - I took some pics of me before and after the little trip and some of them looked terrible, I look absolutely hideous! Also not happy about the make-up it definitely shows up too much against the very pale skin below my neckline - I either need different foundation, a sun-tan, or less make-up in the first place (hopefully this may be easier after IPL/electrolysis/whatever). Also felt a little bit of an anti-climax after wandering round for a bit which wasn't what I'd expected to feel but on the other hand, this is maybe simply because I have actually done plenty of shopping in the US/Canada and this experience does kind of merge into those memories. In fact I did have the spooky feeling of deja vous in some stores as they shops all do look alot alike!

So here's a pic of me before going out (I am a little more wind-swept on returning as the weather has turned cold/wet/windy:I haven't time for a full piuc of the outfit but it's a combination of things I've worn before, brown blouse top from Gap, denim skirt (knee length), brown Nine West boots. Also wore my brown cord jacket.

Got to the Trafford Centre and did for a moment think of just turning round and coming home, I really was very nervous. Finally convinced myself to get out of the car and walk in. Used my mobile phone as a sort of comfort blanket - staring at that meant not having to look around me. Gradually did this less and less as the reactions I got mirrored those in Canada; some people don't even notice, some look once but no reaction, some look twice but that's it and some stare a bit too long but will look away when you stare back.

Wandered all the way from John Lewis to Debenhams - that's the full length of the Trafford Centre, I'd decided that I'd try that for a start without doing anything more risky. Had a look at some clothes in Debenhams, nothing that interesting jumped out at me.

Did notice someone in the store who had a few tell-tale TG signs; they had quite sharp features, looked a fair bit older than me but dressed a bit OTT (sorry, that is a bit of a harsh thing to say but I did notice that but immediately thought - could be an RG they can over-dress too) I didn't look long enough to be absolutely certain - I know for a fact I don't like people staring at me so I'm not going to do it to someone else.

On my walk back towards John Lewis I decided to have a look in Dorothy Perkins as I wanted to see if they had any nice tops (though I guess last week was Summer and that's our lot now in terms of Sun). Managed to find a very bright dress (like one I already bought but a much brighter pattern) and they'd done the same thing again in making a top in the same material. Got that and also a brown/gold top that might go well with jeans for a clubbing night out :D

I did wander round John Lewis for a while having gotten quite use to being out and about and wondering what else I could do. Decided to go as it was getting near teatime and I'd achieved what I set out to do.

Got back to the car and the first song to come on was Take That's 'Rule The World' which is from the soundtrack to Stardust which was wonderful! They also had "Love it when you call" by The Feeling on further into the journey and I love that song as well - I was singing away with the radio at full volume!

Wednesday, 14 May 2008

Continuing confusion

I tried to kick-start my happiness a bit today by really trying to think positive and listen to some up-lifting music and generally trying to realise that I've been through and am still going through so much and that I need to lighten up on myself and try and put everything in perspective.

I did okay(ish) with this and I had some good points today in terms of getting things done. I also had a really nice talk about to the local HR representative about my situation and it seems that the company I work for is very understanding and supportive and is more that willing to discuss how we deal with everything to avoid any problems.

My friend also suggested counselling as I've obviously been through alot and am still confused about everything. I had a few brief glimpses of the fact that I am still repressing alot of my feelings and thoughts. Unfortunately I'm still repressing alot I guess and I really don't know what is happening with my life and myself, I'm see-sawing between all sorts of feelings ... I just want it all to go away and stop being so confusing.

Oh and I think I look terrible - everything is wrong, all the little things just mount up to me not being what I want to be ... or maybe I'm just making all that up in my own head and this is all just a silly fantasy and never really going to happen so I should just forget about it all. Maybe I was fooling myself and everyone else all along?

I think it's time I went to bed, I need to get some sleep.

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

Karma is odd

Today has, so far, contained both good and bad things.

A friend at work, and luckily the local HR representative (one of many roles she has), talked to HR in our head office on my behalf to ask about their approach and policies regarding TG staff. Essentially the response was very positive and they said they are 100% supportive and, when and if I feel ready, I can discuss the various possibilities with the HR director to explore the various options. I should point out at the moment that my name hasn't been mentioned regarding this enquiry.

So that was certainly a good thing as was the fact that I managed to make an appointment with Transform for a free consultation regarding facial hair removal. I have a sneaking suspicion that we're talking lots of money here and they also mentioned IPL when their website says LightSheer Laser ... however, that could all be one and the same thing!

On the downside I phoned up my doctors to change my address and was told I'm now out of their area (I only moved a few miles!) so I need to re-register with a different surgery. This is a bit of a blow as I'd assumed that I'd be able to stay with the same doctor who I have got use to and felt I could trust should things progress in my life. Having to change is a bit scarey and I'm also concerned where I may end up as this flat is near the slightly rougher end of town.

On a slightly less severe note, but still mildly inconvenient, I had the washing machine repair man out today to look at the washer/dryer in the flat as I'd reported that the floor was damp and there was quite a racket when the things was spinning (the machine not the floor :D) and didn't sound healthy.

Turns out the a very large weight in the machine has been loose for some time (by the looks of it) and had broken the drum leaving a very large hole at the top where the water would have been sloshing out all over the place! Time for a new washer/dryer! I just hope the landlord and agent get this sorted quickly, my clothes are piling up!

Sunday, 11 May 2008

Bit disappointed in myself

On the positive side I did manage to cycle over 20miles today which has hopefully helped with my fitness, weight loss, and general well-being (not least of which as I seemed to have skipped lunch so that'll mean the ice cream I have tonight won't be such a big deal).

When I got back I tried to sort myself out and made an attempt to look good - I was really struggling to find anything summery to wear, particularly shoes - I haven't many that are suitable and the few (literally one or two) that could be considered to fit the bill aren't comfy. The weather then intervened and we've had thunder and lightening so foot-wear is no longer a problem; boots will do :D

I really can't get my make-up right but the main bit that's wrong is where I have to use concealer to cover the dark shading on my chin and the mess I've made of my upper lip trying to almost shave the hairs out of existence. I just know it looks horrible and I feel terribly self-concious about it. Oh, and I stupidly tried to put on liquid eye-liner; I have made this work before but frankly it was a dumb thing to try when I'm not feeling confident, and the results predictably needed to be removed.

So I spent ages getting sorted and then thought I should go out and at least try and have my first real out and about experience in the UK. I only had 30mins to get over to the shops (I wanted to go into Boots or M&S - places where there are things I can look at without feeling everyone is looking at me). Sadly I didn't get there in time, everything was starting to close and I basically chickened out.

I suppose at least I did walk out of the flat, and to/from the car and drove around but it still feels disappointing and I really need to make more of an effort to over-come things that are holding me back. I think I will look into the laser hair removal clinic in Manchester, they provide free consultations and appear to be open on Saturdays. If I can zap all the hair on my face then I'll hopefully not have to worry about caking on the concealer etc and can concentrate on make-up to accentuate things such as my eyes which even I'll admit to liking when suitably adorned with liner and mascara.

So a long way to go I think, what I need right now is lots of compliments and attention - male or female, I'm not choosy at the moment, just people to say nice things about how I look! And I'd like to start stomping on all the male behaviour and things I much prefer feeling female so I need to make more of an effort to achieve that.

Update: Here's a scarey close-up:

Saturday, 10 May 2008

What are friends for ...

... surprising you with text messages out of the blue that can make you feel so much better even for just a few moments ... and that can mean the world!

Thanks to you-know-who-you-are :D

Action and reaction

It has been an odd sort of day today, I think I must have still been getting over the cold and this has hit me harder than usual. I've also had a lot on my mind (no, really?) and that's led me to forget things and make mistakes and feel generally disorientated. I never like feeling like this and it just gets me further into feeling down, confused and makes me more introverted.

I spent the day with my son, who also seems to have a nasty cold and is feeling a bit under the weather, and we went swimming and did some food shopping, watch DVDs and played on Star Wars Lego on the Wii. All very much father-son things to do and it certainly makes me feel like a parent and like a 'Dad' when we are together. Some of those feelings do seem at odds to the whole idea of trying to be more feminine and this does make me think about what is really going on inside my head.

Another thing gave me cause to ponder the same issues of what I really feel and that was talking to my wife; she had to come back to pick up some things of my sons that had been left and I asked her in to have a talk and see if everything was okay (yes, it is as stupid a question as it sounds). It brought all the same behaviours back as before, the way I talked and acted and presented myself.

It was as if I was the "husband with a problem that has ruined everyone's lives" again - yes, okay, I'll likely always be that, but it was putting the 'Fiona' part aside in the explanation again; I apologised again for it all coming to this and that I understood that my wife hadn't signed up for all of this and that I was doing more and she obviously wanted less or more precisely none at all.

I really have got a long way to go in reconciling all of what I am with reality; I need to be the full me in all situations and not be hiding parts of me away. There is so much that I still think and do that is based on my reactions to others. I'm still in denial and it feels a little worse this time as I should have the freedom to be me now but it feels that I'm being held back, mainly by me now. How ironic; you can, with effort, escape everyone else, but never yourself and that's probably the person holding you back the most.

What I feel I need is some big change, something significant to give me a kick and a boost in confidence and happiness so that I can think clearer and breakaway from the parts of me that are now holding me back.

It occurs to me that everything was fine before for heading in this direction and I felt I needed to go this route and that I could and that I had confidence and drive and hope, now that's been completely kicked out of me and I'm finding it hard to get inspiration or motivation anymore.

Thursday, 8 May 2008

The world is not enough

Feeling a bit low at the moment, mainly because the cold that had abated for the move has come back with a vengeance and I now feel terrible. I cycled to work on Tuesday with a rather large rucksack and too much stuff and on the trip back I just hit the energy brick wall and could only manage to coast home. It's another 3km on the journey to/from the flat and work and with the extra bag and general stress I guess it was too much.

I did manage to cycle to/from work yesterday (lighter bag and lotsa pasta the night before) but the cold really seems to have taken hold now and it almost completely wiped me out today where it not for copious quantities of Tunes and paracetamol.

In my rather low state I'm obviously seeing more negatives than positives and I feel I have now got a huge barrier to overcome in terms of getting my confidence and happiness back. I should be pleased that I'm now 'free' to explore my life but I feel drained and unsure of what I want to do.

I haven't really got properly dressed up (make-up and all) until tonight and I'm upset at how many things I just don't like about myself; I really want everything to look right naturally and to not have to put in so much effort to even start to look good. My nails are doing okay now noticeably long and my hair will get there eventually I guess (it's just a mess at the moment but will hopefully be a long mess after some months).

Having to start again as it were reminds me of what it was like all those years ago when I was much younger, less wise, but maybe more oblivious to my faults and problems. Those memories and my current feelings conspire to hold me back even more.

I just want to be well again, have my confidence in my work, my life, and myself restored so that I can make the decisions I need to make with a clear head. As it is I'm barely treading water and I've no idea where the current is taking me (yeah, sorry, bit of a mixed metaphor there but at least the water theme is constant).

Sunday, 4 May 2008

Oh ... My ... God!

How many clothes? I have filled two wardrobes and chest of draws entirely with Fiona's clothes, shoes, underwear, accessories, make-up etc. The 'other' clothes have been relegated to the single wardrobe in the spare room, and there is a little space in there! Erm, I think I'm okay for clothes for a while then, I just need lots of events, parties, and outings where I can wear them :D

Friday, 2 May 2008


Well, I've moved into my new (rented) flat and it's taken two days to shift all of my things and there is still probably more to move as well but that will have to wait for a later date.

It's been a very busy two days and pretty tiring but then again I've been fully occupied and busy with all of the logistics and the buying of new things needed to setup home. In some ways it's been quite exciting to buy simple thing like pots and pans and even an iron (steam generator iron, a must for all fast and efficient ironing of all the clothes). On the other hand that is it, I'm now living on my own.

I guess it must be harder for my wife as she has not been kept busy by anything like this and has been able to spare the time to think that this is really the end of our marriage and everything that she and I have been use to. I think I'm just pushing all of these more serious thoughts out or my head or maybe I'm just not as concerned about them, maybe I really did need to move out.

I'm really not certain what the future hold anymore, I need to figure everything out from scratch ... and I need to stop trying to put serious thoughts into a blog when I am both tired and under the influence of several glasses of wine that I hoped would ease the pain of using the epilator - it didn't (much)!

So, where do I go from here. I think it's probably best I figure that out when I'm a little more sorted out and certainly a lot more sober.

Thursday, 1 May 2008

The L word

I often realise there are some things in life that I just don't think about and I really should be a little more inquisitive. However, this article on The Register did grab my interest and I had to follow it up with a quick trawl around Wikipedia to find references to Lesbos which is where the word lesbian is derived form and Sappho whose poems were the cause of the association.

I thought it was quite fascinating that a word that is used to describe such a large number of people and is in such common usage today came from such an obscure association. That said, the word "gay" has apparently gone through some tenuous transformations and corruptions to arrive at todays meaning.

Isn't language and the world in general a fascinating place :D

Oh, and I should mention that there is actually a TV show in the US/Canada called "The L Word" which I'd heard of before from a friend on Facebook and must get around to downloading at some point.